


Who Needs a Soul Anyway?

by leftennant



Series: Darcyland April Fools Smut Challenge Fics [1]
Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Thor (Movies), shockpool
Genre: April Fools Fic, Crack, F/M, Oral Sex, PWP, Shameless Smut, Smut, dlafsmutchallenge, i'm not kidding this is crack af, ridiculous euphemisms, shockpool - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-01
Updated: 2017-04-01
Packaged: 2018-10-13 15:09:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10516245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leftennant/pseuds/leftennant
Summary: Darcy and Wade try out some dirty talk...with very mixed results...and one missing soul.





	

**Author's Note:**

> HEY GUYS!!! Here's my first fic for the [Darcyland April Fools Smut Challenge](http://dresupi.tumblr.com/post/157863665183/hey-guys-have-you-ever-wanted-a-reason-to)!!! I thought maybe I'd try a little crackalicious Darcy/Deadpool. Hope you like it. :D
> 
> Also, I mentioned the Metropolitan Museum of Art. It's seriously not integral to the fic, and I basically did some hand-wavy google searching on it, so yeah. The info in the fic regarding the Met might be wrong. Just go with it knowing it's not important, and everything should be fine.
> 
> ***************************************************

Top three things about dating Wade Wilson according to Darcy Lewis. Number one, all dates with Wade are unpredictable. Mostly because Wade is unpredictable. She likes this. No. Scratch that. She _loves_ this. Last week he broke into the Met...don’t ask her how, she doesn’t want to know...and they had peanut butter sandwiches in the Damascus Room. And then they had sex in one of the Greek and Roman galleries, which was really good, although Wade spent a really long time talking about how much bigger his dick was than pretty much any other male in the gallery. Yes, it’s big. Yes, Darcy is a lucky girl. Yes, Zeus was kind of a disappointment - how _did_ he get laid so much? For real, though. He was hung like a chihuahua. 

Anyway, moving on to thing number two. Wade kicks ass. Tons of ass, actually, usually in a stabby fashion. In fact, Wade kicks so much ass stabbily, that Darcy has nicknamed him Stabby McKebabbington the Impaler. He likes this. She likes watching him kick ass. It really, really works out well for both of them. Especially since it gets them both hot, which brings us to thing number three.

The sex is really good. Super good. Good in the most spectacular kind of way. Wade would be first in line to tell you that. So would Darcy. Good thing they don’t mind sharing. Lately they’ve been trying out some dirty talk. Sometimes it goes well, and sometimes...well… Sometimes, like _this_ time, it’s a little less uh...sexy, and a little more like a bad romance novel mixed with an equally bad pirate movie.

“Fuck, Darce, you’re so hot...you’re so… God you’re so wet. So hot, and so wet, and I could just go to town on your love button all day. Like a jackhammer.”

Darcy looked down at the top of Wade’s head, one leg hitched up over his shoulder, and frowned. “Like a what on my what?”

Wade paused in his admittedly enthusiastic licking, so he could meet her eyes. “Jackhammer? Lovebutton? No?”

“No.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive. I just… Jackhammer is not hot, and love button just sounds really E. L. James or like...I don’t know. It’s not good.”

“Hmmmm.” He nodded thoughtfully. “Why don’t I suck on your clit for a few seconds, and see if anything else comes to me?”

“Sounds like something will be coming to me, actually,” Darcy replied, and he grinned.

“Well, I aim to please. Be right back with more words. Hopefully better words. Ones that don’t include jackhammer.”

“I’ll be here,” she said. “You know, receiving the awesome oral from my equally awesome boyfriend.”

“See? This is why I love you. And this, this right here.” Wade circled her clit slowly with one finger. “I love this. Look how adorable it is. Like a little, perfect…”

“Say love button again, and I’ll murder you with your own katanas,” Darcy interjected sweetly, and he immediately lowered his mouth back onto her.

“Thorry. Thant thahk. Wude. Mouf fuww,” he replied.

Darcy snorted. “Right. Wouldn’t want to be rude while you’re getting me… Oh. Oh that right there. Don’t stop. Don’t… _fuck_ , Wade.”

“Don’t fuck Wade? That’s a little mean for Wade, don’t you think?”

“I said _don’t stop_ , and you _are_ stopping. That feels super-counterproductive to me at this point.”

“Right, right. Unstopping.”

“Not a word.”

Wade didn’t answer. He was otherwise occupied, and Darcy was fine with that. Except for fifteen seconds later, when she was about to orgasm in the most excellent way, and he stopped again to yell, “Honeypot!”

“Oh. My. Fucking. GOD. Are you serious right now? _WADE_ , I was about to come.”

“Eh, I’ll get you right back there. What about it?”

She glared at him. “What about what?”

“What about honeypot? Yes? No?”

“What about certain death?” Darcy replied. “Thoughts on that?”

“Is that a no, or are you trying to turn me on? You know what empty threats of bodily harm do for me. Oooh, wait. Is it both?”

“Who said the threat was empty,” she said, and his eyes widened.

“Okay, so honeypot is officially off the list. Just so I don’t end up murdered, I also considered pink petals of bliss. Is that one acceptable, or…?”

Darcy covered her face with both hands and groaned. 

“Right. Putting it in the ‘murder’ column. Where I am also going to put snooch.”

“ _SNOOCH_??? What’s next, muff?”

“I put it right in the murder column, didn’t I? Geez. Tough crowd today. Incidentally, I am also adding muff. For reasons.”

“Thank Thor for that,” she said. “Look. Maybe we should just move to the main event.”

“Are you saying you want my rod?”

“Not if that’s what you’re going to call it.”

“Honeystick?”

“Jesus, Wade,” Darcy said, starting to laugh. “What is with you and honey today?”

“It’s because you’re so sweet,” he replied, waggling what would have been his eyebrows - if he had eyebrows - at her.

“Get up here, loser. I wanna fuck you.”

“I love when you order me around.”

“I know.”

“If I’m a good boy, will you say the thing?”

“Which thing?”

“ _The_ thing.”

“The _thing_ thing?”

“That would be the one,” he replied, smiling winningly as he began to crawl up her body.

“Really? I really have to say it?”

“Please?”

She dropped her head back on the pillows, sighing. “Fine. Wade Wilson, will you…”

“Like you mean it,” he interrupted.

“Give me one sec.” Darcy took a deep breath. She could do this. For him, she could do it. He was the best, and she could say the thing, and then they could have all the sex, and it would be fantastic. So…yeah. She was gonna say it even if her soul left her body. “Oh please, Lord Dead of Pool…”

“Yeah, baby,” he murmured.

“...I beg of you…” she continued.

“So hot.”

“...please ravish me with…”

“Oh I’m gonna ravish you. I’m gonna ravish you so hard.”

Darcy felt it, her soul was leaving her body. It wanted no part of this, and she couldn’t blame it, but still. For Wade, she was gonna say the thing. “...your massive, velvet encased steel…” He was panting now, breath coming raggedly as he lined himself up. “...manhood.”

“Fuck yeah, baby. That’s the ticket,” he said, and they both gasped as he slid home inside her.

She was right. The sex was fantastic. And Darcy was sure her soul would probably come back at some point. It always did. Besides, who needed a soul when they had Wade?


End file.
